


So Long and Goodnight

by Mercy_Rhyne



Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Angst, Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sadness, There's lots of death and sadness and angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 16:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12193599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Rhyne/pseuds/Mercy_Rhyne
Summary: This is based on Light Behind Your Eyes from MCR





	So Long and Goodnight

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: A bit of swearing, major character death, cancer, car crash, drowning, suicide, lots of angst  
>    
> Notes: This was so hard to write this, mostly because I have no idea how hospitals work. There are probably lots of mistakes and inaccuracies, but I tried my best, don’t judge me too harsly :)

_So long to all my friends_   
_Everyone of them met tragic ends_

It started with Patton. About a year ago, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. When they discovered this, Patton was in stage II, but the cancer was exceptionally agressive. However, the doctors tried what they did to help Patton, but no matter what they did, it still spread. Patton’s health detoriated quickly and even though he always remained optimistic and happy, the treatment affected him heavily. Especially the chemotherapy was hard on Patton. The doctors tried what they could, but it never worked the way they wanted to. No matter what they tried, Patton lost weight quickly. He grew less energetic and his housemates noticed the change. Patton tried to hide it, but his friends saw through his facade of happiness. He was scared, worried about the future. Over the weeks, he got worse. He didn’t go out as much as he used to, he barely ate. It wasn’t looking good. Soon, he had to be taken to the hospital in critical conditions. After a quick examination, the doctor stepped into Patton’s room.    
“I’m very sorry,” she told Patton and his three housemates apologetically, “but the cancer is stage IV. I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do now. I’m sorry.”   
At that point, all four men felt like their hearts sink through the floor. Patton bit his lip and nodded. So this was it, he thought, _this was it_.

And that was the moment that Patton’s happy facade finally crumbled. And that was what broke Virgil’s heart more than seeing his health deteroriate the way it did. Patton had always tried to be strong, but now it was certain he was going to die, he couldn’t be strong anymore. He smiled sadly at the doctor and as soon as she had left, saying she would give the four some privacy, Patton broke down.   
“I’m sorry,” he sniffled, looking down at his hands, “i-it’s just… scary, I guess…” Virgil nodded as he grabbed Patton’s head, unable to speak due to the lump that had formed in his throat.   
“You don’t have to be sorry, Pat,” Roman said, his voice cracking, “it _is_ scary. We get it.”   
In the week that followed, Logan, Virgil and Roman made sure at least one of them was with Patton at all times. His health got worse every hour. After a few days, he didn’t eat anymore. He barely drank. And six days later, he died. Virgil was sat next to him, holding his hand.   
“Verge,” Patton whispered. Virgil looked up and noticed with pain in his heart that Patton’s eyes had already lost their shimmer and liveliness.   
“I love you.”   
And those were his last words. The heart monitor let out a long monotonous beep that signified the lack of heartbeat.   
“Pat,” Virgil called softly, his voice breaking. “Pat…” He brought a hand up to his mouth to muffle the sobs that left his mouth as the nurses and a doctor rushed in. With trembling hands, he dialed his friend’s number. Almost immediately, someone picked up the phone.   
“Logan, it’s me,” Virgil said softly, “it’s Patton. He’s… fuck. He’s dead.”

Then came Roman. It wasn’t even a month after Patton had passed away. All three men were still mourning the death of their good friend, and that particular week hadn’t been great for Roman. It seemed that the realisation that Patton had died had finally kicked in for him. Food didn’t taste as good as it used to and his bed had never been more comfortable. Virgil and Logan did what they could to help their friend out.   
After a few days, Roman had to go back to work again, after a few weeks of absence. When he heard this, Virgil immediately tried to talk Roman out of it.   
“Ro, you’re in no state to work,” he said, “you should stay in.”  
“We have to be able to pay for food and rent,” Roman reasoned as he grabbed his bag from the table.   
“I know, but let Logan me take care of that. You have barely left your bed in the past week, you should stay home for at least one more day. I’m sure your boss will understand.”  
“I will manage, Virgil. Trust me.” But he didn’t. Virgil didn’t trust him. Roman looked nothing like his usual self. He looked broken. His eyes seemed dead and they had black circles underneath them. His skin looked ten times paler than it usually did and he’d lost weight.   
“Why don’t you call your boss, tell her why you can’t come to work and stay in for just a few more days?” Virgil tried. He wanted Roman to stay home, until he looked better, at least. Roman seemed to have other plans, though.   
“I really can’t Verge,” he insisted, “and besides, I think it’s too late to stay in for today. Just… let me go okay? I could use a distraction.”   
“Fine,” Virgil sighed, “but you stay home tomorrow.”   
“Alright.” Roman seemed reluctant to agree, but at least he agreed, Virgil thought.   
“Take good care of yourself, okay?”   
“Of course,” Roman nodded with a small smile as he stepped forwards to embrace Virgil shortly. “I love you, Verge.”  
“I love you too.”

He didn’t know what happened. All he knew was that thirty minutes later, he was sat in his car, rushing to the hospital while trying to get ahold of Logan. Virgil had gotten a call from the hospital, telling him that Roman had been in an accident and they were preparing to perform surgery on him. He wasn’t doing well.   
And that was why Virgil ran into the hospital and came to a sudden stop in front of the reception. He told the receptionist his friend’s name and they told him where to go. It all went by in a blur. Virgil made his way to the operation and sat down on a chair nearby.  
It was his fault. He should have tried better to convince Roman to stay home today. He should have called his boss himself. He should have done anything to try and keep Roman home. It was his fault they were here in a hospital. What if he died? Oh God… what if Roman died too? He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if Roman died because of him. It was _his_ fault. 

Virgil tried to call Logan time after time after time. Finally, after what must have been at least a dozen times, Logan picked up.   
“Virgil, what is it?” he asked with something in his voice that sounded like a mix of frustration and worry. “You’ve called me sixteen times. You know I’m in class, right?”  
“Roman… h-he was in a c-car crash,” Virgil told, trying his best not to cry, “he’s i-in the OR right- right now.”   
“He what? Are you at the hospital now?”   
“Yeah,” Virgil answered softly.   
“Stay there! I’ll be there as soon as possible.” Before Virgil could say anything, Logan had already ended the phone call. Virgil placed his phone on the seat next to him and buried his face in his hands. It was _his fault_. 

“Virgil,” he heard Logan’s voice next to him. He sounded out of breath and panicked. “Have you heard anything yet?” Virgil looked up at Logan, his face red and blotched. He shook his head and looked at the floor.   
“What happened?” Logan asked as he sat down next to Virgil.   
“It’s my fault,” Virgil mumbled, not looking at his friend.   
“What?”   
“It’s my fault,” Virgil repeated, followed by a sob. Logan wrapped an arm around Virgil’s shoulders, trying his best to comfort his friend, even though he didn’t know how to do it.   
“How is this your fault?”   
“I-I let him g-go to work,” Virgil explained, “I tried t-to stop him but he… he went anyways and…” Virgil couldn’t finish his sentence as he was interrupted by a new series of sobs. He wrapped his arms around Logan and buried his face in his shoulder. It was his fault they were here. It _was his fault_.   
“That could have never been your fault, Virgil,” Logan said, wrapping one arm around Virgil’s middle and the other held the back of Virgil’s head steady. His shoulders shocked as sobs left his mouth.   
“It was!” Virgil protested, his voice muffled by the fabric of Logan’s shirt. “I should have-”   
“You should have nothing,” Logan reassured him. “You did everything you could, that’s all you could have done. It’s not your fault, Virgil.”

They sat there for what felt like hours. After a while, Virgil calmed down, but he never let go of Logan. They never hugged that often, as neither of them were too fond of contact like that, but right now, both of them found comfort in that form of affection. Logan never showed Virgil, but he was scared Roman would die, too. He had managed to distract himself by taking on extra work and focussing all his attention on his classes, but he was afraid that the loss of another friend would be much harder on him. He wouldn’t be able to drown that out by taking on massive amounts of work. But now, he had to focus on comforting Virgil as well as he could. He wasn’t too familiar with it, but he tried. And it appeared to be working, because after a while, Virgil’s sobbing died down. He still clinged on to Logan like he was his last hope to be rescued. He was drowning in his thoughts and Logan was the only one who could pull him out of it. 

After a while, a doctor walked up to the two men. Logan noticed this and softly asked Virgil to let go of him so they could properly listen to what the doctor had to say.   
“I’m very sorry,” the doctor started and Virgil could feel his heart sink to his feet. “We did everything in our power, but we could not safe him. I’m really sorry.” Virgil looked down at the floor as the announcement sank in. Logan nodded and softly thanked the doctor. They had a short conversation that went completely unnoticed by Virgil. He could only think one thing:  
I was his fault Roman had died. _It was his fault_. He had killed Roman.

Months passed and Logan and Virgil tried to move on with their lives. They tried to accept that Patton and Roman had died and to get over it. It was hard, though. The wounds never fully healed. They never got used to the silence in their apartment. It was oddly quiet without Roman’s constant singing and Patton’s continuous jokes. Butthe two learned to deal with it. Virgil never stopped blaming himself for Roman’s death, though. But he learned how to handle his feelings. And just as the two thought their lives were going back to normal, it happened. 

Logan died. 

Virgil was home when it happened. Logan had left to get groceries almost two hours ago and Virgil started to worry. He knew Logan was more than able to take care of himself, but he still worried. He had already lost two of his best friends, he couldn’t lose a third. He wouldn’t survive that.  

Virgil had just sat down on the couch with something to drink, as his phone rang. He placed the glass on the table and looked at the caller ID. Logan. Thank goodness, he was okay! Virgil immediately picked up.   
“Logan,” he greeted, “where are you? It’s been two hours!” But the voice that answered him, made his heart stop. It wasn’t Logan.   
“Hi, Virgil… right?” A panicked voice asked.   
“Yeah,” Virgil said slowly, “what’s… what’s going on?”   
“I don’t know exactly what happened,” the voice on the other side of the line answered, “but I found someone… in the river on the side of the road and… and you were in their emergency contacts so…”   
“Is he alive?” Virgil asked quickly, his voice shaking with fear and worry. “Is he breathing?”   
“I… I’m sorry,” the voice sighed, “I’m afraid he’s…”   
There it was. The final blow. It was as if all air was forced out of his lungs. All thoughts were pushed out of his head. All he could think was: _he’s dead. Logan’s dead. I’m alone_.   
“Where are you?” Virgil asked, his voice breaking. “I’ll be there as soon as possible.” 

It was a short journey to their location, in reality only a ten minute walk, but Virgil was so panicked and so scared that it felt like hours. His best friends were dead. They were all gone. There was no one there for him anymore. He was all alone. 

Finally, he arrived. There were two females and a wet body that - no. Don’t look at it, Virgil said to himself, it’ll only upset you. But then again, he was upset already, so maybe… no. He couldn’t. Virgil approached the two women and the first smiled at him. She was still holding on to Logan’s phone. She had long brown hair and deep blue eyes. She approached Virgil and placed a hand on his shoulder.   
“I’m really sorry,” she said softly, “we tried anything but we found him too late. We wanted to call an ambulance, but… we were too late. I’m really sorry.”   
Virgil nodded and looked down. He felt so numb. He knew he was supposed to be sad, he believed he was sad, but he didn’t _feel_ it. But when he looked at the body that once belonged to his friend, that’s when he felt it. When he saw Logan’s soaking wet body, looking as if he had just fallen asleep, that’s when the sadness hit him. It felt like Logan could get up any second and greet Virgil like nothing had happened. But, as the women told him, he didn’t have a heartbeat anymore and his breathing had stopped. He wouldn’t wake up. Tears welled up in his eyes and his chest seemed to explode all of a sudden. He had lost his best friend. 

The woman, Maya, noticed and tried to comfort Virgil as much as she could. She carefully wrapped an arm around Virgil’s shoulders, waiting to see if he’d reject her or push her away. To her surprise, he didn’t. In any other situation, Virgil would have stepped away as soon as possible, but right now, it was a welcome comfort.   
“Can I hug you?” Maya asked carefully. “Are you okay with that?”   
Virgil froze for a moment, but eventually nodded. Maya wrapped her arms around Virgil and that was the moment he broke down. In that embrace, safe in the stranger’s arms, he realised the gravity of the sitituation and he crumbled. All his friends were dead. He was alone now.

He was alone. And in the months that followed, he tried to get used to it. He tried to learn how to deal with it. But he failed. He didn’t have any other friends and he was too anxious to talk to other people. He bottled up all his feelings until they broke him. He only left the apartment to go to work or to get food. The apartment was quiet. Too quiet. Sometimes, Virgil would go to his friend’s bedrooms - they had never been touched; neither Logan nor Virgil could do it. They were too scared to lose the memory of their friends. He’d sit there for hours, lost in his thoughts, his sadness, his guilt. Until he’d had enough of it. He couldn’t live like this anymore. No one cared about him anymore. So over the weeks he built up the courage he needed until finally he had enough. Slowly, he grabbed a rope and tied a noose.   
“I loved you guys, too,” he whispered, before he let himself fall. "Goodbye."

_I failed and lost this fight_   
_Never fade in the dark_  
 _Just remember you will always burn as bright_


End file.
